My second week here was pretty tough.
Not because anything actually went wrong, but just ‘because’ really. I guess it was an emotional response to all the changes I was going through.
Like I said in the previous blog, school became more demanding for me with the 2 higher-level students in the class and me struggling to keep up. I also put pressure on myself to get my site up and running as it needed to be. I felt like I had been here in France long enough already and needed to start promoting and sharing my story in the blogs I had written. I sort of felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere fast in either of these areas.
I also think the emotional impact of leaving the loves of my life, particularly Ludovic and my cat Maya, was hitting me.
I wasn’t exactly homesick, as I was enjoying my time here and having some good times, but I was missing them both so much. Especially at night, which was when I would’ve been cuddling with one of them in bed. I missed their company and them being there with me when I wake up in the middle of the night. I was also missing talking to Ludovic as we were only really able to talk on the weekend because of the 10 hour time difference and the way our working and sleeping hours conflicted.
I was so very tired and unmotivated to do anything much …
…and then felt guilty because I had no motivation.
I was in the process of acclimatizing to my new environment. Getting over jetlag and exhaustion and everything else. I didn’t go out much, apart from school and spending time with Corinne on my site.
Thankfully she is there to ensure that I don’t slack and brave the course – no matter how unmotivated I am.
We would catch up for coffee in the afternoon here and there, but the freezing cold and wet weather was not really inspiring for outside ventures at all.
The weather has been really bad for Nice.
It was cold and wet on many days, which apparently is very unusual for this time of year. It even snowed in Nice for 3 days in a row in my first week here. Did I tell you that earlier?
It was “tres exceptionelle” according to everyone. Genevieve, who I am living with, said it was the only the third time she had seen it snow in Nice in 40 years, and never before for more than one day. It was freezing, that’s for sure, and of course, I hadn’t brought enough clothes for severe winter conditions as I had had to remove so much from my luggage. I got by though, and the rain and cold have continued on.
Anguish Starts Creeping In
I think it was also the feeling of being displaced and totally out of my comfort zone. I was trying to get myself settled in … but it was really hard finding everything and working out the French names for what I was looking for and where it was located.
Knee Surgery + Building with 86 Big Steps = Suffering
Also, my knees were hurting a lot whenever I walked anywhere, so I didn’t really want to walk at all really. Those bloody 5 flights of huge stairs were killing me … or maybe they were making me stronger? After I came home from school each day and walked up them once, I really didn’t want to go out again to have to walk up them again. It really hurt and I was so puffed by the time I got to the top. I swore that I will be doing them easily by the time I leave here. Pain, when you walk, is pretty depressing on its own and just brings you down.
It’s that feeling that you really are all alone…
I am here on my own!
Yes, sure I have some help and advice and I am very grateful for that, but, basically, I still have to work everything out for myself. I am the only one responsible and there is no-one I can depend on to do what I need to do.
It was not a good feeling for a little while there, but I moved through it.
For me, the important thing was to allow myself to feel what I was feeling. I can’t expect to be feeling on top of the world every day. I am a very positive and optimistic person, but sometimes life just gets me down somewhat and I doubt myself. I am human. It was important to allow those feelings and recognize them as being valid for where I was at and what I have been going through.
Feel it, process it and let it go.
The critical thing when feeling down like this is to feel it, process it and then move through it and let it go. It is how quickly you move through and let go of tough or bad feelings to get to a happier place that makes a huge difference in our lives and happy we feel. Accept that it is okay and perfectly natural to feel bad some days … but don’t stay there to live.
Being positive and up every minute of every day is not human (I think) unless you are super enlightened and living totally in your spirit. I can’t speak for people like that, as I have never met one. We are all spirits living a human existence and human lives have ups and downs. Our goal is to have as many up days as we can, and as few down days as possible, although they do create a balance in our lives.
So how can you move through the down days?
- Really allow yourself to feel the pain/grumpiness/discomfort/dis-ease.
- Analyse it to determine what it is really about and why you are feeling the way you are. Ie what is the real cause?
- Maybe talk it over with someone close to explore it deeper.
- Show yourself empathy and acceptance for where you are at with it.
- Once you understand the feeling and the cause of it, thank it for showing you what you needed to recognize.
- Meditate on it and the solution Ie what will make you feel better?
- Imagine a white light streaming through your body and a rope connecting this feeling to your heart and then cut the rope with scissors. Let the feeling float off into the ether.
- Focus on what you need to nurture yourself and make yourself happy again.
- Go and do that.
You can download the Get Real Mindfulness Ritual as a method for helping you with this process.
For more on how I analyzed these feelings see my next blog.
Good luck with moving through your tough days. I’d love to hear how you go.
Living the Vision
